Monthly Archives: May 2014

in the dark

it seems fitting that Isaac is kind of a mess tonight. Sleeping poorly. Bursts of tears. Wanting to be comforted but then quickly feeling the need to stretch out on his mattress and not be bound by my lap and arms. And then starting the cycle all over again 20 min later.

It was a long day for me. I felt a similar feeling of being unsettled or uncomfortable or just wanting the opposite of whatever was happening.

As I was sitting in Isaac’s dark room earlier I tried to take a picture but this is all the phone camera would capture. in the dark

Instead of a dark room filled with glimpses of light from an ark nightlight illuminating a little boy, who just couldn’t figure how to feel settled, being rocked by his tired momma, it shows only darkness. It feels lonely.

and as I showered before coming to bed tonight, I was thinking of this picture. What I could see and wanted to capture, was instead dark and alone. And I realized that the reason today has been so hard is because I was trying to do it all alone.

I woke up and started my day and I don’t remember once asking for God’s help. So tomorrow I start by simply asking God to be with me every step of the way. I think I’ll finish tonight with the same praye since Isaac has been crying on and off for the last 2 hours. I think I’ll need it.

the truth shall set you free

As you know, Mother’s Day was a bit rough for me. And I’m not gonna lie – the following day seemed just as difficult – but for one primary reason. Alaina.

One of the hardest parts for me to get past was that Alaina hadn’t told me Happy Mother’s Day. And I was holding onto that big time. Adam asked me if I had spoken to her about it – told her how it made me feel. The answer was a solid NO. I knew her response would be “Oh. I didn’t mean to not say it.” But Adam pushed back and after another day of thinking about it, I decided to share with her how it made me feel.

I simply told her that it hurt my feelings. And she responded exactly as I knew she would. And then she apologized and I could see it was sincere. I explained to her that she wasn’t in trouble, that I didn’t want to make her feel bad. I just wanted to her to understand how it made me feel – the only way I knew how to do that was to compare it to her birthday. And when i asked her how she would feel if I didn’t tell her “Happy Birthday” and just treated the day like every other, I could instantly see a change in her understanding.mom & daughter

And suddenly I felt like our relationship changed. Maybe change isn’t the right word. Turned a corner. Yes, that’s more like it. Our relationship turned a corner. Where now it wasn’t just a one-way street. That she understood that our relationship was indeed just that. A relationship. Two people. Interacting with each other. Impacting each other. Caring for each other.

I feel a sense of freedom. To be a bit more myself with her maybe. To let her see who I am besides just her mom. And it feels good. I encourage you to try it. To be a bit vulnerable with your tween. It was super scary. I’m not gonna lie. But I’m going to stick with it because I think it will lead to more corners to be turned.

Lies, comparisons and Mother’s Day

I’m not gonna lie – today has been hard. For some reason this Mother’s Day just didn’t feel right.

My oldest never once told me “Happy Mother’s Day.”

I was up at 6:15am with a feverish baby, so no sleeping in and no breakfast in bed. Alaina said to me about 8:15am: “We would have made you breakfast if you would have slept in longer.” Um, thanks.

Because of feverish baby, just the girls and I went to church (which was actually really wonderful, one of the highs of my day). We didn’t go out to dinner, but ordered Chinese take-out for me and Alaina and Adam got him and the other two burgers & fries. Not quite the Mexican and margarita I had been craving and looking forward to all week.

And so tonight I decided to run to McD’s for a hot fudge sundae and as I ordered, the intercom guy told me the ice cream machine wasn’t working. So I settled for a Frosty from Wendy’s, which is not what I wanted, but is helping a bit.

Here’s the thing: it’s not just the list above that made today hard. It’s the comparison I made to how the kids treat Adam.

I know, don’t go there, but already gone…

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. the kids run to Adam when he walks in the door from work, fighting for who will get the first hug, screaming “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” EVERY. SINGLE. FATHER’S DAY. they are planning on what they want to do for him for weeks in advance. Wanting to make cards and bouncing idea after idea off me of what we could get for him. They tell him “Happy Father’s Day” several times during the day.

I can’t remember when someone ran to me when I walked in the door for any other reason than to ask me if they could have a snack or have screen time. (Okay, so Isaac is always happy to see me, but he doesn’t really count in this.) And I didn’t get a single handmade card other than the ones daycare made my boys make for me.

Maybe this only happens at my house. Maybe I’m the only one making the comparison and feeling let down and saddened by it.

But I doubt it. I bet I’m not the only one feeling this way tonight.

So here’s what I really want to share. The most important part of this entire post. READ ONLY THIS IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE: Don’t find your worth in your kids. Find it in who God made you to be, in His image, in His love, perfectly YOU. Because you will always be disappointed if you find your worth in anything else. Your kids will fail you. Your spouse will fail you. Your parents will fail you. Your friends will fail you. YOU will fail you.

Praying that I would learn to find my worth in Jesus and not in people or things is the only thing that saved me today. I prayed it over and over. Over and over I kept going back to wondering if Alaina would wish me “Happy Mother’s Day” and over and over I had to keep reminding myself that my worth comes from the Lord. The maker of heaven and earth.

Don’t believe the lies you hear in your head. The comparisons you draw. Let me speak truth to you before I finish: You are loved by a divine and perfect father who loves you for every ounce of who you are. 

Find your worth in *that* alone. He will not fail you. Not once.

 

(I didn’t write this as a woe-is-me type of post. Please don’t take it that way. I just needed to be honest about today and know I’m not the only one who probably felt this way today.)