Monthly Archives: October 2012

Pass it on.

Thursday night Lucas went to bed with fever.

We were supposed to go camping the next afternoon.

He still had a fever Friday morning – but it went away, and he was running around with no other symptoms, like any other crazy (almost) 2 year old boy. Except he woke up from his nap with a fever of 103.7*.

After consulting with Dr. Facebook and a real live nurse on the phone, we decided to try to go camping anyway. Since he had no other symptom and the fever would go away right after taking meds.

Except I knew I shouldn’t take him. I knew it. I just knew it.

Yet I went along with it because Adam really wanted to go and I honestly felt like I was being stupid for not taking him on this planned trip with friends if his fever went away and it really was nothing.

Except it wasn’t nothing. Lucas was awake half the night with a fever and feeling horribly. He wouldn’t sleep in his “bed” so he slept in my sleeping bag. With me. It sucked. And he woke up with cold sores all over the inside of his lips and he wouldn’t eat or drink hardly anything. He felt horrid.

And so did I. Because I felt it was all my fault.

We packed up and came home Saturday afternoon. Lucas was miserable the entire way home.

And so was I. This “I’m a bad mom” feeling was taking over.

That night, Lucas woke up at 10pm and cried for over 30 minutes – nothing would soothe him. This is when I was totally consumed by the “bad mom” syndrome. “This is all my fault,” I said to Adam. “This never would have happened if I would have kept him home and you and the girls just went camping. This is MY fault.”

Here’s the thing: He probably would have been that sick no matter what. He hadn’t even had a fever for 24 hours by the time we got to the campsite Friday evening – we had no idea what would come next. Camping or not.

I let this false narrative that I was a bad mom take over. I totally succumbed to it. I listened to it and told myself it was true. I was a bad mom.

But it was false. FALSE. The truth? I’m a good mom. I definitely made a decision that I regretted, that I wouldn’t make again. But it didn’t make me a bad mom.

Why do I share this story? Because we all need to remember the truth. The TRUTH that we are good moms who also sometimes make poor decisions.

But God is good, y’all. He speaks truth to us through friends who remind us not to listen to the falsities that are so easy to believe. I am thankful for those friends who reminded me of my truth. *Our* truth.

Pass it on. Don’t let another mom believe a false truth.

_________________________________________________________________________

linking up with Just Write.

_________________________________________________________________________

P.S. We actually did have some moments of greatness Saturday morning while hiking through the forest before packing up to come home. Here are a few pics to prove it. 🙂

My boys.

Friends.

My girls.

Unexpected news

Six-ish weeks ago…

I called Adam at work, blurting out I was pregnant, crying uncontrollably and then apologizing uncontrollably. And then I called him back a few hours later apologizing for totally losing it and dropping news like that on him in the middle of the day at work.

Then he brought me these six beautiful roses on his way home from work. Six because that will be the new number of members in our family. Because even though we were done having kids, he loves me and this new life inside me. And he knew I was severely struggling with this unexpected news.

Today…

I’m not going to lie: I’m still struggling a bit. Like I said, we had decided we were done. We had “moved on” from this part of our lives and really ready to see what was next for our family and our marriage.

But God has another vision. The problem? I can’t quite see it. I can’t really see my future life with another child. I had already mentally and emotionally stepped into what I thought our future was going to be, with our current three kids. Though I’m starting, just this week, to get small, quick glimpses of a very brief moment with a baby. Like walking from the car to church with Lucas and an infant. But that’s all I’ve got.

The good thing? I know that God’s vision is perfect. In my mind, even in my heart, I know it. Deep down, I totally know that God has a perfect plan for my life and the life of my family.

And honestly, embracing this is the only thing I can do at this point. It’s real. And although totally unplanned, it’s totally happening. Embrace it, right? Yep, that’s what I’m gonna do.

I think, like this pregnancy, we’ll wait to see the baby’s gender until birth. Seems fitting to start life outside as a surprise as well.

So, I’m almost 12 weeks, due May 12th. In case you were wondering. 🙂 Oh, and if you have maternity clothes I could borrow, I would be indebted to you forever. Because, obviously, I gave away all mine after baby #2, because I was done having kids.

Dead or alive?

Alive, I am, believe it or not.

Just not on here. Just not with things that are appropriate to say right now in a public place. Not yet. Not ever in some of those inappropriate moments in my head.

The good thing? It’s fall. And I love fall.

The smell, the colors, the weather. Oh Indiana, how I do love your season called Fall.

Also? Halloween. It’s so great. Decorating the house, buying costumes with excited little girls who have been planning their costumes since November 1st of last year! (sense a little bit of sarcasm there?)

One thing I love about Halloween is the Children’s Museum haunted house. We go every year with the kids and always have so much fun. This year, Lucas and I were lucky enough to get a sneak peak of the “Wicked Workshop” before yesterday’s opening day.

It was really great – and totally different (I felt) from prior years. From walking through a giant pumpkin, complete with “guts” hanging from the inside…

 

To finding little witches helpers in each room (taking the place of the little pics hiding on the wall of each room)…

 

To walking through a glow-in-the-dark MASSIVE black cat…

 

To finally making our way through a pitch-black maze with sporadic bright, blinking lights…

And while Lucas didn’t love it (he kept saying “walk! walk! walk!” when I wanted to stop and see the details), I can’t wait to take the girls back. This year, I get to take Alaina to frightening hours and Adam gets to take Cami to friendly hours. And thanks to the library’s summer reading program, we already have our tickets in hand!

I do have to say, I think this year’s haunted house is by far the best I’ve seen in several years. It didn’t feel like the same place, just redecorated, like in the past. It’s so well done this year. The Museum should be proud.

And while I might have seemed as dead as many of the skeletons in the haunted house over the last 6 weeks, I promise my heart is starting to beat a bit more, and I’m starting to feel like writing again. So look for some changes around here coming soon.