Limbo

On New Year’s Eve ten years ago, I found out I was pregnant with my first. It was a shock, really. Planned, for sure, but I thought it would take me a long time to get pregnant based on my history of womanly issues. Nope, no problems at all – I got pregnant my first month off birth control.

I was ecstatic. And 23 years old. My plan was in motion, because you see, my plan growing up was to get married at 22 and have 3 kids at 24, 27 and 30. Then I’d be done.

Well, I got married at 22 and had my first beautiful daughter at 24. And then my first daughter was, well, Alaina.

Alaina was a hard baby. She was diagnosed with acid reflux, which at least let us understand a bit of what was up with her. But it wasn’t all acid reflux. That went away after about a year, but Alaina was still a really hard child to parent. I always said that she was so beautiful because she was so hard. And that God knew if she wasn’t so beautiful it would be harder to look at her and love her so when times were so tough.

That’s why there are four years, and not two as my original plan, between her and her sister. I just couldn’t handle having another until then. And honestly, I wasn’t so sure how it was even going to work.

But it did. Because God is good.

Our second daughter, Cameran, was an easy baby once we found out she was sensitive to dairy and I cut it out of my diet. And once we got over the initial transition to having two kids (and Alaina having to share her parents), all was well in the White house.

Even though I was 28 and off plan, I was perfectly fine with that. And I was “done” having kids.

And then one day at the park, the spring before Cami turned two years old, I just couldn’t say that I was done having kids anymore. And my doctor suggested I go off my birth control for 3 months to see if it would lower my blood pressure. It seemed like a sign – go off birth control and if I don’t get pregnant, we’ll stop trying and stick with the two wonderful little girls we already had.

The only problem is that 3 months came and went and I still wasn’t pregnant. But we both wanted me to be. So we decided we’d try another few months.

The only problem is that another few months came and went and I *still* wasn’t pregnant. And at this point, we were both getting upset because we really wanted to have another child now, after the last 9 months of trying. So we decided that Christmas that we’d try for 3 more months. It was just too hard *not* getting pregnant.

Two months later I found out I was pregnant (at 32, not 30 as planned). And when I gave birth to our son Lucas, I thought it would be the last time.

And then I saw his precious little face and couldn’t imagine never being in that place again. Never being pregnant again, never giving birth again, never seeing my child for the first time again. I just LOVE babies.

But I’m happy where I am in life in right now. I’m enjoying working a little while I get to spend so much time with Lucas. Cameran is going to start going to full-day kindergarten 3 days a week when school starts up again next week. Alaina is NINE and a baby at this point would put over 10 years between her and the newest baby.

But have I mentioned I LOVE babies?

This whole decision on whether or not we’re done having kids has put me completely in limbo. I just can’t seem to make a decision and stick by it. One day, (okay, let’s be honest) one morning I’m content with our three kiddos and by the evening, I’m ready to add another. And then by the next night, I’m back to being content with three.

I JUST CAN’T MAKE UP MIND.

Help me. How did you know?

11 thoughts on “Limbo

  1. designhermomma

    honestly, I’ve always known I wanted 4, and that’s why this pregnancy is it for me. Since misery loves company, I mean kids are great, I think you should have one more. Preferably a boy. Make it happen, Katie.

    Reply
  2. Katy (KatySheCooks)

    My theory is that when you’re done, you know it. Because you don’t know it, it seems you’re not done ; )
    AND… no matter Alaina’s age, you are YOUNG!! Have another, your body can still handle it.

    Reply
  3. Sarah

    As the happy mom of one (who can only have one), I am certainly not in the position to give muh specific advice on this. But… I would say if you an your husband pray about it and are led in the same direction, it’s time to have another. That’s how my husband and I knew it was time to try for out sweet little guy.

    Reply
  4. Trish

    You answered your question…God is good, no matter what happens in life. I say “quit not trying” but don’t necessarily try. If God wants you to have another, you will. And, that puts your trust in Him, not in your own decisions. And either way, he will love and care for you perfectly.

    Reply
  5. Lee

    There is 15 years between B and rose and 10 years between Maddie and Rose. It seems to be working out alright. i would never tell any woman what to do but Rose was a surprise for us and I would not want it any other way. after Lucas was born you started playing zone anyway. One more won’t change that

    Reply
  6. Lynne Brown

    I always wanted 3 kids, but with my high-risk pregnancies, I thought I was lucky to give birth to one healthy girl, let alone 2! I figured, for me, I was so blessed that I need not risk having another. But your pregnancies are much more normal and you are young. When the OBGYN was going to “tie my tubes” he asked if I wanted it to be an aggressive tying or not so aggressive in case I wanted a reversal. Of course at the time (with a one-year old ad a three-year old) I said “Aggressive!”. Sometimes I wish I had said otherwise. But, kids cost a whole lot of money too and I knew I didn’t want to push our budget. I always said I would adopt, but we all know how much money that can be also. Plus, I need to finish school. It just depends on what is right for your family. I guess that’s why I babysat and worked in a nursery for years so that I could get my baby “fix”, and I’m still close to those little ones today. My Mom always said, “You never stop wanting to have babies, you just have to enjoy every one else’s at one time or another”. But I never quite fed into that theory because if you want to bring another child into this world and can give them unconditional love and support them financially then why not??

    Reply
  7. Chris

    Katie, you have always made great choices, this one is between you and your husband……your children will love and accept another child….and age–for Alaina and you–is not what is really important – the important part is can both of you (you and your husband) love and care for another child – the rest will work out…..

    Reply
  8. punkinmama

    So, I *finally* got to this post. I’ve been thinking about it since I saw you post on twitter about it.

    I wish I knew the answer of “how do you know” when you’re done. I don’t think it’s easy. The harder thing for me is how do all of these people keep having babies like it’s no big deal. I think we’re similar to your Alaina situation. Sam was a hard baby. VERY HARD. And there was no way we could handle another anytime soon. It took a really, really long time to even consider having another. And then stuff happens and here we are 5+ years later. And I’m a lot older than you are. There is so much more to this story, but think it’s better left for in person conversation.

    Anyway, I know none of that helped you, so sorry about that! But know that you’re not the only one who wonders. I guess it’s slightly easier to look into the future (when there are no more babies) and see your family years from now… how many kids do you want in that picture?

    Reply
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